Dear Bodies Exhibit Management,
I enjoy learning about the human body. To me, the human body is a temple that people should learn more about in order for them to understand the way our body looks and works. You’re exhibit came to where I live (Honolulu, Hawaii) a little over a year ago and I was intrigued by the pamphlets and our state made quite the hype about the exhibit. Because as though I love to learn about the human body, I decided to check out what all the excitement about. On August I was very impressed with the preparation that was done to make this exhibit possible. It was really professional which made it look more than just an “exhibit”.
However, I was quite disturbed. I did hear that the bodies used in the exhibit were real, which was partially the reason why I decided to see the exhibit in the first place. While wandering through the exhibit I felt very uncomfortable knowing that I was looking at real human bodies being put on display in different poses. I do understand that the reason your exhibit is really popular is because of the real bodies that you put on display. I must add that you did have very helpful employees who I could tell knew a lot about their job. I did mention my concern to one of the exhibit guides and did apologize that I was feeling uncomfortable.
I am not asking that you close the exhibit down but just a simple warning or disclaimer saying that the following exhibit maybe disturbing to others. Till this day I still get a little awkward feeling when I think about looking at the baby fetus’s displayed in your exhibit. I think for people who are like me, that has different views on the human body they would appreciate a little warning in pamphlets or in any type of advertisements. I just feel that it would help and it would also be a very considerate gesture.
Sincerely,
Niki Badua
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I think in the first paragraph, you did a very good job explaining how you felt about the human body as well as our state. It was a very good start on your paper. The sentence "Because as though I love to learn about the human body, I decided to check out what all the excitement about. ", is a little confusing the first time you read it. You could change it to something like "Because I also love to learn about the human body...". Also, I believe that "On August" should be "In August". I also think to make your paper stronger, you should try to find the exact date that you attended the exhibit.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph, you transitioned into it very well. I didn't go in the exhibit but it does sound very disturbing to see the things that were displayed. I think that you did a good job in explaining how you felt. I think you can add a little bit more suggestions to help them. But overall you did a good job explaining the situation and how you felt about it.
-Lexie
Hey Niki,
ReplyDeleteYour essay did contain a lot of grammatical errors like, "Because as though I love to learn about the human body, I decided to check out what all the excitement about." It quite confusing and should be changed to "Since I love to learn about the human body, I decided to check out what the excitement was about." Also, the sentence, "On August I was very impressed with the preparation that was done to make this exhibit possible." It should be "In August..."
I do love how you organized your essay. Its good how you talked about the exhibit and your interest in the human body. Then, you transitioned into your disappointment at what happened at the exhibit.
Maybe you should explain more or describe the way the bodies were placed and how you found it utterly disturbing. Also, say what feelings were running through your mind.
After you do that, then you transition into how the workers were great & they knew their info.
I love your suggestions about putting in a warning.
Great Job
-Kelly,
Hi Niki,
ReplyDeleteAs your critiquers point out, you've done a good job of providing specific details about the Bodies exhibit and your discomfort with it. Lexie and Kelly also make accurate comments about mechanical corrections to be made.
There is one point that they missed, however, and I think it is a fairly important one that needs to be clarified. Your request is that the management provide warnings on pamphlets and ads, to let people know that the exhibits are real. But you say that "I did hear that the bodies used in the exhibit were real, which was partially the reason why I decided to see the exhibit in the first place." That seems to contradict your reaction to the exhibit and also your request for a warning. I think you need to clarify this a bit. Was it something about the way the bodies were exhibited that was offensive? or just the fact that they were real?
Let me know if you have questions...it may be tricky to figure out what to do :)
mrs s