All my life I’ve wanted to venture off this rock we like to call Hawaii. Living on an island, I seem limited from different opportunities and isolated from what exist in the “real world”. I get called crazy for wanting to leave an island of “paradise” and beauty but I know that there is so much more than the sand that rest beneath my feet. As I watch the waves clash against the rocks I try look beyond the ocean but I can’t seem to see anything more than the line where the sky and sea meet.
Everyday for the past couple years I would always wonder how different my life would be if I lived somewhere bigger than an island. Would I have different dreams or different goals? But as I continued to get older, I started to realize that where I live makes me the person I am today. I’ve come to find that I am more similar to Hawaii than what I think. Like Hawaii, people assume from what they hear about or myths and rumors that I am someone that I am not. We all believe that Hawaii is a place filled with clean beaches, beautiful weather, grass huts, and women who walk around in grass skirts and coconut bras. But when we are finally visited the facts begin to change. Hawaii shows its beauty in many ways. The city of Waikiki is like the way I dress, it reflects an urban style. With the many stores and things to do, it makes Waikiki random and very unexpected.
I live on the west side of Oahu. Relaxed and calm, it’s a place where I don’t feel judged. A place where I can sit back and watch the world pass by me with no worries as I feel the cool breeze brushing across my face. On the other side of the island lies some of Hawaii’s most scenic views. The mountains of Kaneohe are breathe-taking. The drive is long but worth every single bit. I am like the drive from the west to the east. I may seem like the average teenager but if you have the time and patience to get to know me, my inner beauty and personality will show and the more we endure the shorter the drive.
I believe that there is more that lies beyond beaches and palm trees but for me the true journey that I am embarking is not the search for adventure. It’s the journey of discovering myself.
**There is so much work needed for this essay to be perfect but it's a GENERAL idea of that I want my essay to be about. Surprisingly, this is one of the tougher writing assignments I ever had to write...ahaha
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Niki Elle (=
ReplyDeleteAs it says above, this essay is very general. There are many details that support that general idea but it could be better (: Make the time! haha, i know that your very busy but I also that your a remarkable writer. You just need to narrow it down and support what you believe.
-Lex (=
Dear Niki,
ReplyDeleteI think your ideas&&details(just like Lexie said) are good.Like you said, your essay is still general,so be sure to add more of your voice,so we can feel your emotions. Good luck on the final!!
Love,
Destrie
Hi Niki,
ReplyDeleteFirst, be sure to indicate the college and the specific prompt that you are writing to.
Then, I realize that you've already turned in your final...so read this and decide whether you want to do another revision or whether you're happy with what you've already turned it. Use it to validate whatever changes you've already made :)
I agree with your comment that the essay right now is fairly general, but I like the overall "shape" of it...the way you use the idea of a journey away from this island as a metaphor for the journey of self that you are eager to embark on.
I think the part about Honolulu/Windward side could be clarified a bit. This may be because you are setting up two sets of "contrasts"...Hawaii the stereotype vs Hawaii, the reality and then another contrast of Honolulu and Kaneohe...I think you can still talk about the beauty of the mountains, etc, but don't set it up as another contrast...it will make your closing paragraph about journeying beyond the "island" stronger.
Alexis and Destrie--you need to be more specific in your commentary. Just as the essays need to include specific detail and support, so, too, do your critiques.
mrs s