Dreams

There was always one thing that came between my childhood and my need of wanting to become a mature adult. My dreams.


Since I was 8, my cousin Jasmin and I had dreams in becoming famous pop singers. Jasmin is more than just my cousin, but she is my best friend. I hate saying that she was the one that stopped me of ever-moving forward in life but in a way she was. Jasmin is 2 years younger than me. We both started singing at the same time. I was 8 and she was 6. After a couple months Jasmin’s voice developed faster than mines did. Her voice was rich and elegant for a six year old. Already she made a name for herself because she was already being asked to sing at events like sunset on the beach or singing the national anthem at the UH Volleyball tournament. One by one, competition after competition she would always prove how much skill she had over me. If that wasn’t enough, my family members praised her and gave her all the attention while I stood there pretending like it never hurt me. “Maybe you should find another talent…you dance pretty good. Do that!” 6 years of putting up with the remarks made from people of my own blood. How could something I loved doing so much hurt me the most.

Jasmin & I would perform together at malls. They always ended the same. We would talk towards our clump of a family and wait to be greeted. Well at I least, I would. Grandma and grandpa, aunties and uncles would rush to hug Jasmin and tell her how amazing she was. I remember forcing myself to smile and pretend I was happy. Then after a while I got used to the feeling and after every performance I wouldn’t bother to find everyone anymore, I would just wait till I spotted my mom and my dad. I knew that no matter how phenomenal my cousin had performed they would always be proud of me. It hurt being known as “2nd Best”. It got so bad that sometimes people forgot that I even sang. I didn’t know how much more damage from singing I could handle.

The year 2008 came. I called it; this was going to be my year. I’m done lying to myself. Something had to be done. The opportunity came around September. Some one had told me to audition for the musical “Les Miserable”. Me? Musicals? No. That wasn’t my thing. I convinced myself to try & I did. But I failed, again. Not getting one callback, no phone call. Fail. Fail. Fail. That’s all I told myself. I felt as if I was never going to get anything right. I was just about ready to throw in the towel. But I didn’t’. I got my first role in a musical a couple months ago and I knew it. I finally found a place where I belonged. A place where I fit in. Where people came to watch me and were for once proud.

I have finally found a place where I belong now. I’ve found a place that I can call my comfort zone. I have found the thing that separates me from being compared to Jasmin. About a year ago, my life changed dramatically and I suddenly felt invincible. I felt that anyone that tried to even bring me down would fail because I was stronger that. I finally stopped being compared to and I was happy. I chose this as my example of my coming of age because everything I felt was internal and never fixed. What I went through separated me from my childhood and me wanting to be an adult. I couldn’t pretend to want something that made me so upset. I couldn’t move on and I couldn’t start planning for a future. But when I finally stepped back and put everything a side my mind was ready to take on anything. No more secrets and no more lies. I was finally me. I was finally comfortable. I was finally happy. But most importantly I was finally Niki.